RORSCHACH TEST
Brian Jordan Alvarez on Stalking, Spanking, and Fire Island
Photo courtesy of Brian Jordan Alvarez.
Amidst never-ending conversations that valorize technology and it’s infinite uses, the actor, writer, and funny guy Brian Jordan Alvarez reminds us that its best deployment is often very stupid: using face filters and voiceover to make up helpless, awful but often charming characters who find themselves in peculiar situations. The 37-year-old is no stranger to platforming his own creations, sharing his impersonations and even the occasional feature film on his busy YouTube channel over the years. But now, he’s scaling up: this week, BJA is going back to school as the creator and star of the new sitcom English Teacher on FX, in which he plays a delightfully competent but perpetually frazzled high school teacher attempts to navigate and tend to the needs of a distressed generation of students. To mark the series launch, we asked Alvarez to take the hot seat for this week’s Rorschach test, in which where he sounds off on spanking, douching, lying and and queer-baiting, among other things.
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SPANKING
“My parents very rarely spanked us. But I had said something very rude to a neighbor as a child, and my parents told me they were going to spank me. Then when we got home I asked them if they had forgotten about it, which unfortunately reminded them. Then they did have to give me a spanking.”
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BENNIFER
“That makes me think of fir trees, or cedar trees in Northern California. Are there fir trees up there? I don’t know.”
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STALKING
“Sketchy.”
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QUEER-BAITING
“I think people should post whatever they want.”
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JD VANCE
“Donut shop.”
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TWINKS
“Were you on Twitter when there was that whole thing about some very wild twink on a boat? It was in New York. I think he was just acting crazy as people do when they’re young and intoxicated, so I’m sending love. I hope he’s doing well now.”
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AGE GAP DISCOURSE
“I made some sketches about age gaps where we were just poking fun at the comedy of a very young gay guy, played by me at the time, not knowing who Gena Rowlands was or John Waters is. You’ve got to be taught the history.”
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JOCKSTRAPS
“Lady Gaga. She made a jockstrap: Chromatica.”
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PORN
“Sean Cody. If you know, you know.”
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PETE BUTTIGIEG
“Cool, highly effective, sweetheart. I love Pete. I’m proud of him.”
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NETWORK TELEVISION
“Multi-cams with a laugh track, which I love.”
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CHAPPELL ROAN
“Chappell Roan is a genius and I’m on the train.”
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CYBERTRUCKS
“They look very austere to me, almost brutalist.”
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GANG-BANGS
“Have fun.”
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DOUCHING
“Until the water runs clear.”
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LYING
“Remember Liar Liar with Jim Carrey? I was obsessed with that movie as a kid and his performance is astounding.”
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GAY TEACHERS
“Sweethearts.”
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DOUG EMHOFF
“Good guy.”
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FIRE ISLAND
“It makes me think of Hulu and Joel Kim Booster and Bowen Yang‘s wonderful movie—and Matt Rogers, who I love. I haven’t been there and I am dying to go. I hear it’s like paradise.”
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